Claire and Nneka started Mellownest with one mission in mind; to help parents develop a more mindful style of parenting. With backgrounds in educational psychology and emotional well-being, they want to help you stress less, laugh more and enjoy your family.
Each month, they respond to a Mumbler’s question about parenting. This month they give advice and tips on settling a newborn.
Dear Mellownest,
I’m a new mum to sixteen-week-old baby. I worked in childcare before I had my daughter and I thought that motherhood would come easily to me but actually I’m finding it really hard. Sometimes my daughter just cries for ages and nothing helps it to stop. I start out calm but I can feel myself getting more anxious and stressed the longer it goes on. It makes me feel like I’m a bad mum. I’m worried that I’m doing something wrong or that there is something that I haven’t noticed. It’s starting to make me feel stressed all the time and while everyone keeps telling me I should just relax and enjoy her I can’t.
Hi Mumbler member,
Thank you for being honest enough to contact us with your feelings. We often talk to parents who have found that parenthood wasn’t what they thought it would be. You certainly aren’t alone.
Becoming a mum for the first time is a huge transition and isn’t always helped by everyone constantly telling you to treasure the moment. Many new parents experience the sense of overwhelm and anxiety that you describe. In truth whenever we make a change in life there are gains and losses. In order to fully embrace a change, we must acknowledge the losses we have experienced.
In becoming a mother you say goodbye to your old childless self and move into a new stage of life. While some aspects of being a parent won’t always be as intense as the baby years, simply put your life will never be the same again, YOU will never be the same again. Sometimes when we make significant changes in our lives that are meant to be positive like getting married, changing jobs or of course, motherhood we feel guilty if we feel anything but happiness but actually it’s normal to have mixed feelings in response to a life change. Honouring those feelings doesn’t mean that we love our baby any less or that we aren’t happy with our choice.
Babies cry for lots of reasons. The most obvious are physical including hunger, tiredness or discomfort of some kind. If you are confident that your baby is full, rested and not in need of a nappy change or ill we can begin to consider other options. If you are unsure about any aspects of your baby’s physical wellbeing it would be wise to talk to your health visitor or GP
However, babies just like us cry for emotional reasons too. Once you have ruled out any physical needs or symptoms we can consider your baby’s emotional state. Babies too can be overwhelmed or bored or anxious. From a very early age, babies can display personality traits. Some babies are simply more in need of emotional support than others, this doesn’t imply that you are doing anything wrong only that this is part of their own unique genetic make-up.
At 16 weeks you are only just coming out of what is known as the 4th trimester. The 4th trimester is the first three months of a baby’s life in which, while they adjust to the outside world they often prefer their conditions to be as womb-like as possible – warm, dark, involving movement and with a muffled background soundtrack. This is why many babies will only sleep on parents or appear to be happy when held in arms. While she is a little older your daughter may still respond favourably to these kinds of conditions. Easy ways to provide this kind of support practically can be by using a sling or co-sleeping at night. Keeping your daughter close is likely to help her to regulate. For advice on safe co-sleeping or bedsharing see the lullaby trust
While making adjustments to any physical needs and providing baby friendly conditions we can also consider that at this time your daughter just needs to express herself. Crying in itself isn’t necessarily bad it’s only that as a parent we can find it particularly stressful. As hard as it is for you, crying in your arms might be just your daughter’s way of telling you about her hard day. By providing a safe place for her to do this you are giving her a wonderful security in this new and overwhelming world she finds herself in.
Why is it so hard to hear my baby cry?
This is because it is designed to be so by nature. Hearing our baby cry triggers an ancient system in our brain known as the flight or fight response. This is a physiological stress response designed to keep us safe from harm. In this state, our body becomes flooded with stress hormones and our brain goes into overdrive to protect us from the threat.
Why would a baby’s cry trigger such a strong response?
This is an ancient part of the brain, the one that was developed in a much more dangerous world in which a crying baby could be significant because it could mean alerting predators to your presence. The stressed feeling we get in response to our babies crying is designed by nature to get us to deal with the issue quickly to ensure safety. Essentially this is an inbuilt response meaning we find it extremely hard to ignore a baby’s cry. For the most part, this is positive – if new mothers went around ignoring their baby’s cries the human race wouldn’t have survived very long!
However, if you have a baby who needs appear to be harder to meet or you are a mother who feels anxiety quickly or very strongly this can become difficult. There is also a societal pressure to have a ‘happy’ baby who doesn’t cry and a parent of a crying baby can quickly find themselves in a state of high anxiety about disturbing others. It’s important to remember that crying is a fact of life and that babies have no alternative communication method.
As challenging as it is to feel confident that you’re doing it right, the truth is that no parent has all of the answers all of the time. Studies show that all babies need to grow up happy and healthy is an adult who is responsive and in-tune with their needs. Margot Sunderland talks about the 30/30/30 rule – you’ll be totally responsive around 30% of the time, the other 30% of the time you’ll probably get it wrong but fix it and the final 30% of the time you and your baby will simply be a little out of sync. That’s perfectly okay. Fortunately for us, babies don’t actually demand perfection. So, try and remove a little of the pressure on yourself.
In the moment
When your baby begins to cry and once you have checked all the usual issues, work first on calming yourself. Learning some simple meditations or breathing techniques might help as would developing a positive mantra. A positive mantra is simply a phrase that helps you to counteract the negative thoughts you might find popping into your head as you become anxious. Something like I am everything my baby needs right now or even the old classic this too shall pass
Keep your body as relaxed as you can if you notice a tensing in your muscles. Create a toolkit of responses that might help and keep a list of them written where you can see so you don’t have to remember them all. Since all babies are different, different tools work at different times. Your toolkit might include
Supporting your baby means supporting yourself. It must have been hard to write in and talk about your feelings. It also sounds like that because of your previous career you feel like you should be doing a ‘better’ job. Truth is no matter what your background, becoming a parent for the first time is a learning curve for everyone.
Are there people in your life that you can reach out and talk to? Your partner, family or friends may all be obvious options however I would also recommend connecting with other new mothers locally. There are lots of playgroups, coffee mornings and classes which provide a much-needed support for this testing season of motherhood. Talking to another person who is experiencing something similar to you can make all the difference and stop you feeling so alone.
When to get more help
There is a chance that you might need to consider additional support if your anxiety or low mood starts to become more serious. Signs that this is more than the baby blues with a sensitive baby are;
– Persistent feelings of sadness or anxiety
– Struggling to bond with your baby
– A lack of interest in activities you used to enjoy
– A significant change in eating – either overeating or lack of appetite.
– Feelings of hopelessness or self-blame.
It can be difficult to separate out normal new mum overwhelm from something more serious. If you have any concerns speak to a health professional straight away. Sometimes parents put this off as they feel embarrassed or like they are ‘making a fuss’ but actually seeking support might be the best thing you can do for you and your baby. If you are struggling with postnatal depression there are lots of different treatment options available. For more information see the PANDA’s website.
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If you have a question for the Mellownest team or want their advice on understanding your child’s behaviour or emotions please email and your question can info@mellownest.co.ukbe put forward for next month (all questions are anonymous).
