In this months ‘Ask Mellownest’ column, Claire and Nneka discuss how to handle anxiety in children.
If you have a question for the mellownest team or want their advice on understanding your child’s behaviour or emotions please email info@mellownest.co.uk and your question can be put forward for next month (all questions are anonymous).
The mellownest team will be delivering their signature workshop, ‘The Science of Happy Children’ at Headingley Heart on the 10th of March and are offering a 20% ticket discount to 10 lucky mumbler members, read on for more information and how to book tickets.
Hi Mellownest,
I wanted to ask your opinion about my five-year-old. My worry is that he’s very anxious for his age. He’s always been quiet but as he gets older it’s getting easier to see how much he worries about things. His big sister is the total opposite – outgoing, has lots of friends and always ready to play with anyone. I sometimes feel a little frustrated and embarrassed by his behaviour especially in front of people at family events or birthday parties as he’ll cling to my leg or hide behind me. My inclination is to encourage him to get out there as I know he’ll enjoy himself when he does but it seems the harder I push the more he stays put. I want to help him be happy and confident as he grows up.
Thank you
Dear Mumbler member,
You’ve hit on a topic that comes up a lot at our workshops. It can hard to understand how as a parent you’ve managed to have two such different children! This can be a little confusing especially when all the strategies and techniques that work with one don’t work with the other, leaving you feeling lost in the dark.
My first recommendation would be to try and relax your own anxiety about your son. It could be a simple matter of personality. Some children are naturally more inclined to hold back while others charge in. This is neither good nor bad, it’s simply part of your son’s disposition. In some situations, his more cautious approach may be of benefit.
One of the biggest challenges as a parent can be managing a child who is too much or too little like us. I’m not sure what the circumstances are in your family but I would be gently curious about your own feelings and responses in these situations. You describe feeling a little frustrated and embarrassed, I wonder whether your son’s behaviour triggers some hurt feelings in you of times when you struggled to join in or felt left out?
It’s important not to project our own experiences onto our children. You son may be holding back but also might actually be perfectly happy to play more quietly rather than join the melee. Also, the total converse could be true, perhaps like your daughter you are the life and soul of the party and your feelings are activated by a total confusion of why anyone would want to miss out on all that fun. Either way take a few moments when you feel those ways around your son to explore what might be being triggered in you.
In terms of how to provide your son the support he needs I would advise you to observe him more closely.
What is it that he needs from you in those moments?
Do you see his desire to join in?
If so, think about how you can facilitate this. There is a concept in psychology know as scaffolding. Most often used in educational contexts it can also be useful to think about it in terms of social and emotional development.
Scaffolding is the skill of providing just the right amount of support so that your child can do the rest by themselves. Too little and a child may become frustrated and give up, too much and a child loses the opportunity to learn and feel a sense of achievement.
I wonder if your son needs you as his ‘safe base’ to provide the scaffolding he needs. For example, you might suggest to your son that you go and sit in the play area with him or show him how to play a game with the other children. We know that when children feel safe and secure their natural urge to explore and play is activated, so seek to provide your son what he needs in this situation. You might be surprised to find that once he has established himself he will be more than happy for you to move further away (provided I imagine that he knows where he can find you).
My most important message would be to fight the urge to push him into a situation that he isn’t comfortable with. As you already noted most people don’t deal well being forced out of their comfort zones and your son is no exception. Pushing will only result in increased resistance and clinging behaviour. Instead, seek to facilitate his natural urge to explore with the comfort of knowing you’re there if he needs you.
My final note would be to not confuse confident with happy. You son may be perfectly happy without the more obvious confidence of his sister. Give him time, I have known quieter kids thrive in the most wonderful ways when given the support they need.
I really hope that helps.
If you’re interested head over to our site www.mellownest.co.uk. We’ve just launched our FREE members-only resource library full of guides and ideas for your family.
We’ll be delivering our signature workshop, ‘The Science of Happy Children’ at Headingley Heart on the 10th of March and we’re offering a 20% ticket discount to 10 lucky mumbler members.
To snap up one of the discounted tickets simply use the code MUMBLER20 on ticketsource before the 16th of February. When they’re gone, they’re gone! Find out more here
