This is a sponsored blog post from Consilia Legal
Sarah Manning from Consilia Legal shares her advice on ways the impact of separation can be minimised for children.
As a solicitor and mediator, I see first-hand how a parent’s behaviour during separation can impact significantly on their child or children.
I am always astounded that two people, who once loved each other and have children are unable to communicate with one another. When children are involved, even though the parents no longer wish to be together some level of communication needs to exist between them and it is important to discuss together how this will work to minimise hostility. From my experience, children are a lot more aware of situations than their parents give them credit for and pick up on any animosity between their parents.
Children also like to please and often in mediation sessions, the child says one thing to one parent and another to the other. This is not to play them off against each other for their own gain but because, more often than not, they want to please each parent. Children are often aware that by mentioning to their Mum or Dad something about the other parent or their new partner will instantly put them in a mad mood and then the child can on occasion carry anxiety and become cautious not to speak about the other parent. It always saddens me that some young children carry the burden on their shoulders to try keep the peace between their parents and it is the parents themselves who should be the adults and be able to communicate effectively with the other parent and be civil.
From my experience as a solicitor and mediator here are my top tips to ensure that as separating parents any impact on children is kept to a minimum:
- Be Civil to one another: You don’t have to speak for long when handing over the children, but pleasantries go a long way. The children will be aware if you are comfortable in the other parent’s presence. It is important that children feel that they can talk freely to both parents and not feel that they are keeping secrets or watching what they say.
- Speak about the other parent positively; say nice things about the other parent and keep negative thoughts to yourself or speak to friends and family when the children are not with you. Everyone needs to vent but this should not be done when the children are in earshot no matter what age they are.
- Communicate: The main reason that separating couples seek legal advice or attend mediation is because communication has broken down to a point where they cannot communicate at all even for the simplest arrangements. In mediation, I always recommend a communication book to pop into the child’s bag at handovers so that conversations are kept to a minimum at handovers or messages back and forth. You can include key dates, school reports and any changes to arrangements etc. There is now an app available so that parents can communicate with each other and it even has a tone reader to ensure that inflammatory language is not used.
- Do not speak negatively about the other parent: I see more and more in mediations that parent’s openly talk to their children about going to see a solicitor or an appointment at mediation. This is wholly inappropriate and children should not be aware of any dispute or ongoing proceedings where possible.
- Consider Child Inclusive Mediation: If the child is aged 10 and over their wishes and feelings should be taken into account. A qualified child inclusive mediator can meet with your child or children informally and find out what they want to happen. The Child is sent a letter inviting them to engage in the process and it is done in a delicate manner minimising any impact on the child;
- Consider Mediation to resolve disputes: Sometimes solicitor involvement can inflame a situation as a letter can be construed in different ways. At mediation both parents sit down in a controlled environment with the mediator who will facilitate the discussions and try achieve an outcome to suit both parents with the child at the forefront of the discussions and how it will impact on them. In mediation I always try conduct the mediation sessions with the aim to achieve a coherent parenting plan detailing all key dates and possible issues in the future and establish a good form of communication that both parents adhere to. It is better for everyone involved if some channel of communication is formed.
For more information in relation to approaching separation in order to minimise any impact on your child or children, please contact me at s.manning@consilialegal.co.uk or call me on 0113 3229222 to arrange a FREE consultation.
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